Easy New Year’s Resolutions
by Michelle Hogmire
Well, here we are again: the end of an old year and the start of a new one—2015 being particularly odd. In order to avoid making egregiously impossible New Year’s resolutions that we’ll inevitably break, disappointed by our lack of resolve, let’s all agree to a few simple guidelines, for the betterment and preservation of our fallible species in 2016 and beyond.
- Do not vote for Donald Trump.
- Get rid of all winter coats and buy more shorts to wear during the upcoming year-round heatwave.
- Stay away from Bill Cosby.
- Don’t get sucked into watching Empire. Or at least, try not to.
- Get a marriage license from Kim Davis.
- Actually read/learn about ISIS and the European refugee crisis before forming an opinion.
- Don’t pretend to be a member of another race. Or at least, try not to.
- Make a personal visit to Pope Francis. Demand a similar amount of media coverage.
- Don’t bring up that white/gold or blue/black dress because people finally forgot about the damn thing.
- Never use the hashtag #AllLivesMatter because… no shit. Not the point.
- Is weed seriously not federally legal yet? Good god…
- Learn to dig tunnels like El Chapo.
- By all means, shoot guns: just not at people.
- Read all of Hillary Clinton’s emails. Every. Single. One.
- And if you ever get discouraged, just remember this: if Paul Ryan can become Speaker of the House, then you can do anything.
Michelle Hogmire is a literary agent assistant at Barbara Braun Associates and the Business Manager for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art. She grew up in West Virginia and has a BA in Creative Writing from Marshall University. She currently attends the MFA program at Columbia University and lives in New York City.