Word Hole #7

Word Hole 3

Easy New Year’s Resolutions

by Michelle Hogmire

Well, here we are again: the end of an old year and the start of a new one—2015 being particularly odd. In order to avoid making egregiously impossible New Year’s resolutions that we’ll inevitably break, disappointed by our lack of resolve, let’s all agree to a few simple guidelines, for the betterment and preservation of our fallible species in 2016 and beyond.

  1. Do not vote for Donald Trump.

  3. Get rid of all winter coats and buy more shorts to wear during the upcoming year-round heatwave.

  5. Stay away from Bill Cosby.

  7. Don’t get sucked into watching Empire. Or at least, try not to.

  9. Get a marriage license from Kim Davis.

  11. Actually read/learn about ISIS and the European refugee crisis before forming an opinion.

  13. Don’t pretend to be a member of another race. Or at least, try not to.

  15. Make a personal visit to Pope Francis. Demand a similar amount of media coverage.

  17. Don’t bring up that white/gold or blue/black dress because people finally forgot about the damn thing.

  19. Never use the hashtag #AllLivesMatter because… no shit. Not the point.

  21. Is weed seriously not federally legal yet? Good god…

  23. Learn to dig tunnels like El Chapo.

  25. By all means, shoot guns: just not at people.

  27. Read all of Hillary Clinton’s emails. Every. Single. One.

  29. And if you ever get discouraged, just remember this: if Paul Ryan can become Speaker of the House, then you can do anything.

Michelle Hogmire is a literary agent assistant at Barbara Braun Associates and the Business Manager for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art. She grew up in West Virginia and has a BA in Creative Writing from Marshall University. She currently attends the MFA program at Columbia University and lives in New York City.

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