A Very Shkreli Christmas
by Michelle Hogmire
“Martin Shkreli, a boastful pharmaceutical executive who came under withering criticism for price gouging vital drugs, denied securities fraud charges on Thursday following an early morning arrest, and was freed on a $5 million bond.” –Bloomberg Business
As we all travel home for the holidays—anticipating the inevitable encounter with the Trump-supporting anti-refugee relative, the glasses of Merlot gulped and the Marlboros puffed sneakily in the bathroom, the arguments about “when you’re going to get a real job”—at least we can all take comfort in the fact that we’re not celebrating the season with Martin Shkreli. Here are a few highlights from Shkreli Christmases, over the years:
- Martin borrows money from his mother’s side of the family, in order to buy Christmas gifts. Instead, he uses the money to pay back his father’s side of the family, for the gifts he claimed he needed to buy last year. Rinse, repeat.
- Martin refuses to remove his gray hoodie at the dinner table and quotes Wu-Tang lyrics during grace.
- Martin insists on live-streaming the gift-opening process, using the opportunity to inform rapt teenagers around the world about his video game prowess.
- Martin tweets an image of himself giving the middle finger next to his grandma.
- Martin starts a hedge fund in order to support his eggnog-chugging-while-chess-playing habits.
- Martin doctors the gift receipts and raises the cost of everyone’s Christmas presents by 5,500% so that he can return the gifts for a profit.
- Everyone takes a holiday photo together, all wearing one of Martin’s signature “The Most Hated Man in America” t-shirts.
- Martin gets arrested. Bailed out just in time to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas.
Michelle Hogmire is a literary agent assistant at Barbara Braun Associates and the Business Manager for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art. She grew up in West Virginia and has a BA in Creative Writing from Marshall University. She currently attends the MFA program at Columbia University and lives in New York City.