“North Carolina’s governor on Wednesday signed a controversial bill blocking cities from allowing transgender individuals to use public bathrooms for the sex they identify as—as well as restricting cities from passing nondiscrimination laws more broadly […] Pat McCrory, a Republican, signed the bill Wednesday night and tweeted, ‘Ordinance defied common sense, allowing men to use women’s bathroom/locker room for instance. That’s why I signed bipartisan bill to stop it.’”
–“North Carolina governor signs controversial transgender bill,” by Tal Kopan & Eugene Scott, CNN, 3/24/16
Pat McCrory’s eagerly awaited, long anticipated transgender restroom bill has finally ushered in an unprecedented period of public restroom safety for all Duke defenders and Panthers’ fans—as opposed to the previous years of terrifying danger and general toilet-related lawlessness. According to most public bathroom-users in the state, the bill is “common sense,” because it allows straight men and women to relieve their bowels in peace, segregated separately, free of gender-related confusion.
Due to the rapid success of the legislation, Pat McCrory has issued a new bill, with additional common sense safety measures for restrooms across the state. New regulations include the following:
- Bernie Sanders’ supporters want everyone to “share the wealth,” but not everyone wants to give up their hard-earned bathroom privileges. Therefore, everyone who “Feels the Bern” will have their own public restrooms: no dividers between the stalls, only one roll of toilet paper passed back and forth as needed, like one big happy socialist family.
- People who actually enjoyed the new Batman v. Superman film freak everyone else out with their poor taste, so they will be subjected to their own restrooms, with CGI sinks. No character development allowed inside the stalls.
- On Wednesday, Donald Trump stated that women who want abortions should undergo “some form of punishment.” In anticipation of an inevitable Trump presidency, all abortion-seeking women will get their own bathrooms, filled with baby changing tables, judgmental mothers-in-law, and argumentative husbands demanding dinner (i.e.—the restroom of the 50s).
- Anyone who can afford the new Tesla Model 3 will have a public bathroom to themselves, but honestly, that’s because the electric car already comes equipped with a toilet in the backseat, as a standard feature of the base model, in order to aid the vehicle’s “supercharging” function.
- And finally, because Pat McCrory is so transphobic and sexually unconfident, he will get a public bathroom all to himself, with automated machines that do the work for him—that way, he can avoid touching his own penis, which is, in his own words “gay.” All other restroom amenities will remain the same, including of course, the customary male bathroom attendant.
Michelle Hogmire is a literary agent assistant at Barbara Braun Associates and the Business Manager for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art. She grew up in West Virginia and has a BA in Creative Writing from Marshall University. She currently attends the MFA program at Columbia University and lives in New York City.