Star Trek Scalia
by Michelle Hogmire
“The conspiracy theories surrounding [Scalia’s] death run the gamut […] the site Harddawn.com speculated that ‘the Illuminati’ might have been responsible, calling Leonard Nimoy—who died last year—“the wild card in this equation.’”
-“Skipping Scalia Autopsy Spawns Conspiracy Theories” by Gregory Krieg, CNN
Mere days after Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, 79, was found dead at a Texas hunting ranch, President Obama has apparently already nominated a successor. In an unprecedented move, Obama announced at a press conferences that he wants to fill the vacant seat with a political nobody—literally just some guy, named Neonard Limoy.
“You ever feel like something is right, without really being able to explain it?” Obama said, when pressed for an explanation during the Q&A. “I mean, I meet this guy, and I just know…you know? He’s so familiar, like we’ve been friends forever. Honestly, I’d give him my job if I could. Is that possible? Please, someone, let me know. I’m tired.”
Suspicion about the nomination arose immediately, from all sides of the political spectrum.
“He weirds me out a little bit,” said fellow Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, discussing her new potential colleague, before he took the stage to speak. “The real thing, which no one seems to be mentioning, is that he bears an uncanny resemblance to Leonard Nimoy. I know that sounds crazy, but I thought that guy was dead.” Suddenly, Neonard Limoy appeared in the corner of the room, wearing a “Notorious RBG” t-shirt and making a cutting motion across his throat with one finger. “Oh, uh, sorry,” Ginsburg corrected herself, “I love Neonard Limoy. May he live long and prosper.”
Illuminati conspiracy theorists attempted to protest the press conference, but they were escorted outside by a mysterious group of men wearing black robes. “Don’t you see this?” one of the conspiracy theorists yelled on his way out the door. “Leonard Nimoy faked his own death so that he could become the new leader of the Illuminati! Haven’t you guys noticed that the Vulcan salute is just an inverted pyramid? It’s obvious!”
The men in black robes shook their heads. “Dude,” one of them said, “it’s me, John Roberts. This is Clarence Thomas, that skinny guy is Tony Kennedy, here’s my man Stephen Breyer, and that’s Slick Sammy Alito. We’re on the Supreme Court. We have to dress like this. Don’t you read anything?”
Finally it was time for Neonard Limoy to give his two cents. He started laughing as soon as he reached the podium, pointing to a reporter from CNN. “Hey, buddy,” he said, “remember when you guys wrote an article about no autopsy being ordered for Scalia, and you cited a conspiracy theory from Harddawn.com, a satire website, like it was serious? I mean, c’mon, say the name to yourself: it’s just hard on for Christ’s sake! And all the other news outlets, like NPR, mentioned that the site’s fake in their articles. What are you guys going to start doing next, quoting from The Onion?”
“We already have,” the reporter said, indignantly holding up his phone and displaying a CNN article that cited the Onion headline: “Justice Scalia Dead Following 30-Year Battle With Social Progress.”
“Oh God,” Neonard Limoy said, “this isn’t worth it. Not even for the New World Order.”
All of a sudden, a very–very–handsome man materialized on Limoy’s left–one might say he even transported.
“No way,” Limoy said, all smiles, “it’s my best friend, Kirk–uh–Silliam Whatner!”
“I’m here for you, Spock–I mean, Limoy,” Whatner said. “And you’re right: fuck this. There’s no intelligent life down here. Beam us up, Scotty!”
And they held hands and dissipated together.
From the Oval Office President Obama was later quoted as saying of the incident: “Goddamn it. Well, maybe Farrison Hord? He’s been doing some interesting things. Did you see Episode VII? He’s still got it!”
Michelle Hogmire is a literary agent assistant at Barbara Braun Associates and the Business Manager for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art. She grew up in West Virginia and has a BA in Creative Writing from Marshall University. She currently attends the MFA program at Columbia University and lives in New York City.