By Steven Roiphe
- What is your Country of Origin? (If Africa, complete Part D, “Renunciation of Plausible Muslim Heritage,” and continue the Exam. If Middle East, complete Part D and bring directly to proctor.)
- How long have you been your current skin color? Would you consider adopting a different skin color?
2. White, in dire need of sunshine, for as long as I can remember.
- Please provide the minimum wage you would consider working for, as well as the maximum you could realistically expect.
3. You can’t afford me.
- Have you or any of your relations ever worked at a Trump Casino, Hotel, Golf-Resort, Other For-Profit Entity, or Foundation? If so, would you be willing to sign a nondisclosure agreement?
- Have you or any of your relations/friends ever considered exploding your body?
5. Metaphorically, yes. Literally, no.
- Would you miss Ted Cruz, if he suddenly disappeared?
- Do you sexually desire any of Donald Trump’s close relations? If yes, please list. If not, why not?
- Which of the following positions would you favor adding to the Presidential Cabinet? (Please circle all that apply):
|Chief Explainer||Shoeshine Boy||Ticket Taker||Lead Inquisitor|
|The Hot One, the Blonde||Favored Daughter||Little People||Doorman|
8. Shoeshine boy. Be presentable, at least.
- Have you participated in any Reality TV shows, either here or in your Country of Origin? (If yes, that’s really great.)
- Please list your most advanced level of education. Would you consider augmenting your education, if attractive courses were offered to you, at a ludicrous price?
10. Master’s. If ludicrously cheap and ludicrously worthwhile, yes.
- Please list Blue States you would consider living/voting in. Red States? Former Soviet States?
11. Tajikistan, Afghanistan, and Uzbekistan, in that order.
- Have you before, or would you ever, consider awarding an Approval Rating above 80%?
12. Whom are we talking about? Cyrus the Great?
- Do you now, or have you ever considered yourself, any of the following? (Please circle all that apply):
13. I’m assuming singing the lines, ‘I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy’ in the shower every now and then isn’t relevant here. Other than that, no.
- Have you ever heard of the KKK? Would you have any reason to be biased against a public official who frequently associated himself with the KKK?
14. Yes, and yes.
Thank you for completing the Exam. You’ve done a terrific job. You may either wait in the vestibule until papers are graded by President Trump, or return now, voluntarily, to your Country of Origin.
Does this mean I can go on that road trip through Iran I’ve been dying to for ages!? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Steven Roiphe studied creative writing, literature, and history at Harvard University, and Summer Literary Seminars awarded him two tuition fellowships. His prose has appeared in HOT METAL BRIDGE, THE HAMILTON STONE REVIEW, ARCADIA’s ONLINE SUNDRIES, and SERVING HOUSE JOURNAL. He lives in Downeast Maine, and is writing a novel about George Washington’s greatest spy coming to terms with being gay at the end of the Revolution. His Twitter thingee is @StevenRoiphe.