A retraction and a large slice of humble (pumpkin) pie, by Karishma Jobanputra

I have been wrong in the past. I mean, I was convinced Snape was the bad guy right up until the moment he died. (Even now, it feels wrong that he was a good guy. Are we sure about that? I mean, really?) And, I always thought irregardless wasn’t a word. (Apparently there’s still controversy about that.) I even used to think Justin Bieber was good. (*Waits for the onslaught of hate from Beliebers*).

But, since coming back after Christmas, I have realised I have been so wrong, so very detached from reality, about a lot of things that I have, regrettably, written about in these bagelisations columns. Regrettably, because now my apology must be written and must be public. My editor has said he hoped the writing process was suitably painful. It was. I had to inhale several pints of vegan Ben and Jerry’s to get me through. But it was all in the name of the truth. So there’s no need to feel bad about all that sugar.

Amongst other things I have criticised, pumpkins stand out as having been my Simon Cowell. I have absolutely loved to hate them. And now my U-turn on the topic (do you have U-turns here? Every street seems to be one-way) has caused me to do some serious soul-searching these last few weeks. But if the apocalypse is coming (have you seen the political landscape recently? Shall we start stocking up on Spam? What is Spam?) then I have to be honest with myself, and with you. So, here are my retractions and apologies. It is time for me to eat a slice of humble pumpkin pie.

Please read in the apologetic voice of Kanye West (who is, apparently, the most apologetic celebrity of all time).

  1. Cinderella knew what she was doing – pumpkins are magical

    I may have written an article last term about the incomprehensible American obsession with pumpkins. Pumpkin spiced lattes took a bad hit, as did pumpkin pie and pumpkin spice. Hell, I even Instagrammed the conniption I had inside of a Starbucks. (Sorry Starbucks.)

    I had not yet bought the orange-tinted glasses. But I received some for Christmas.

    It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore…except for a person who enjoys pumpkin spiced things. I will never be allowed back in England after such a revelation. After having been force-fed pumpkin soup, and then discovering pumpkin spice granola (I even Snapchatted that, my editor went crazy) and falling in love with pumpkin pie (Candle Cafe West does the best vegan one), I am a convert. Can I put pumpkin spice as my religion in the next census?

    I will eat all the humble (pumpkin) pie.

  2. Sports aren’t great…but they aren’t horrific either

I never understood sports. I drafted a whole article that was a lengthy attack on American football. (Gist: You play it with your hands. You play football with your hands. Football. Hands. Seriously.)

It’s easy to understand why most sane people think sports are horrific. Even with English football (so, soccer), who has the patience to watch a ninety-minute game that might end with nil-nil? Imagine all the things you could do in ninety minutes. Play a game or two of bowling. Go for dinner. Watch four episodes of Friends, two episodes of Suits, one episode of Sherlock. Eat a lot of chocolate. And don’t even mention cricket. Some sort of five day test match? I won’t even start listing what you could do in five days. But that’s a hell of a lot of chocolate you could eat.

However, and yes, there is a however – and an apology – here, the Super Bowl isn’t bad. That’s the best I can do. It isn’t bad. There are nachos and beers and everyone gets excited about adverts (not understanding that at all, but at least it reminded me that Skittles are vegan) and Lady Gaga. Maybe I just like Lady Gaga? Maybe I was just Starstruck by her Poker Face and all the Applause. Sorry for shoehorning all those song titles in there, I’m bad at punning, but hey – I was Born This Way.

  1. Blocks aren’t all bad

    My apologies for refusing to use the word “block” and generally not understanding the need for the grid system. Having gone home for Christmas and asking people for addresses it always felt incomplete when they just said a street name. It makes sense, of course, since England doesn’t have a grid system and we just have streets that don’t run in parallels. Hence all our roundabouts. Even so, I always asked “and…? Like, Baker Street and…? 34th? 59th? Honestly, don’t you want me to find you? You know, in New York they have a grid…”

Then again, I’m still unclear if blocks are all the same distance. If not, then apology withdrawn. You can’t say block if it isn’t a set distance – that’s not how measuring works.

This apology is pending.

  1. It actually snows here. Enough to build a snowman. I didn’t even know that was possible. (Starts singing the Frozen soundtrack)

    I don’t think I ever wrote about the ridiculously volatile and grey weather here, but I have voiced it. A lot. Vehemently.

    The snow day at the start of February, though, was straight out of Narnia (where is all the Turkish Delight though? Still waiting for you, Snow Queen), and I immediately retract anything I have ever said that was critical of the weather in New York. Not least because snow pictures always come out well on Instagram.

    And now, having bared my heart and apologising, I wait for your apology, America. Or at least the punch line in this political debacle. Soon. Please. And if you’d like to say sorry with pumpkin spiced granola, I’d appreciate it. You’ll find me sitting in the snow, outside Starbucks on Broadway and 110th with a pumpkin spice latte. And probably singing along to Lady Gaga.

Karisham Jobanputra Headshot
Karishma Jobanputra

Karishma Jobanputra (good luck trying to pronounce that) is a first year MFA fiction student from London. She graduated from the University of Warwick with a degree in Law and, realising it was nothing like Suits, decided to pursue writing. Although primarily a fiction writer, she also attempts to write poetry and has had articles published online at The Guardian, KettleMag UK and The Boar (University of Warwick).

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