An Illustrated Gift Guide for the Gay Aquarius in Your Life, by Caitlin Brady

“Look, I need a lot of things. I need a vacation. I need a million dollars. I need a shower.” –Blair Brady

 

I asked my gay Aquarian sister, Blair Brady, what she wanted and needed for her birthday, which, critically, is also David Lynch’s birthday. Here are my notes, since the season has only just begun.

  1. Blair is a self-described “Dementor, just looking to suck someone’s soul,” and her Tinder bio is 1-800-Dead Inside. Which brings me to the first suggestion: a new dating app subscription. Aquarians love to distract themselves with options, 90% of which they care nothing about, to avoid their problems, 95% of which they created in the first place. None of that matters, though, when they’re eating Cool Ranch Doritos at 3 a.m., illuminated only by the light of their phone.

Note: she is not seeking another Dementor, because they will just “cancel each other out.”

 

  1. “I dunno, I like T-shirts.” This is a sure-fire hit, Since Britney Spears from 2007 is basically our age’s Joan of Arc.

  1. A Motorcycle, presumably to escape this broken world for some greener pasture (Montreal). Since I can’t afford this and won’t buy a gift that risks skin graft anyway, I’d suggest these.

Note: “If you can’t do a motorcycle, a spaceship will also suffice.”

  1. Depending whether she wants to go up or down with coffee or booze to control the tornado of unfocused thoughts, she enjoys message-sending beverage containers. Try this “pleasure as protest” coffee mug, or this exquisite Dolly Parton wine glass.

  1. Beanies. “I wear them because I’m sad,” she says. “Do you wipe your tears with them?” I ask. She laughs. “I have no tears.” You can get this beanie at Target.

  1. A Haircut, or dye, or pomade. Aquarians are intense about hair – it’s the frontlines of how they express themselves, and perhaps a remnant ritual from their ancient alien heritage. Case and point, David Lynch.

  1. Panic Room, because it has both Jodie Foster and Kristen Stewart in it, and / or Resident Evil, “but only the first one, as it’s our religious text.”

  1. A Sphynx cat. “Look, I have allergies, and do not need feelings to raise a wonderful sentient being. My cat can be whatever it wants to be. “THIS CAT IS QUARTERBACK MATERIAL, GET OUT ON THE FIELD, SON.” See? It does not take a village to raise a good cat.”

If you can’t gift a cat because ethically you know your Aquarius is too nomadic or forgetful for one, buy them cat socks.

  1. An eco-friendly wall calendar. Since time doesn’t matter to them, “it’s mainly a piece of art.”

  1. Before they return to the mothership, Aquarians are all about bettering earthly society, so they would also love a donation to an organization close to their heart, or anything that challenges the status quo toward forward-thinking progress.

  1. Lastly, a reminder that this profile is “a total fiction. No Aquarius will conform to your list.”

Which is exactly what David Lynch would say.

 

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