A Gift Guide for the Black Biromantic Homosexual Pisces in Your Life, by Caitlin Brady

This is a series of astrological gift guides for members of the LGBTQ community, inspired by the fact that no one knew what to buy for my sister: the muse and Aqueerius, Blair Brady.

I recently met Californian graphic designer Dominique Boyette at a bar, where we ate artichoke dip and I admired her refusal to order my drink recommendation. But for those of us who don’t radiate the casual glory of the zodiac’s highest spiritual evolution, in perfect sweatshirt and jean combinations: what do we get you for your birthday?

Here are my notes:

  1. To get things off to a super casual start, I ask Dominique if she likes baths, the Piscean version of a human fish tank.

“I love baths,” she confirms. “I like lots of bubbles. I want snorkeling goggles.”

As far as suggestions, try Mr. Bubble, a witchy potion, and/or this snorkeling set.

  1. “I also like to listen to music in the bath.”

To honor this Neptunian union, I found this waterproof speaker. Hope you don’t plan on using the bathroom anytime soon.

  1. Dom shares a birthday with Piscean genius Nina Simone, and when I ask her about any celebrity crushes, she says “John Goodman.” I ask multiple times if I got the name right, and she nods, adding, “and Shia LaBeouf.” “No,” I say. “YES,” she confirms.

(People of the Internet, do you want to guess Shia’s sign? Correct. He’s a Gemini, and has shadow selves for his shadow selves)

I don’t understand this sweatshirt, but that’s what tells me that Dominique might like it. She dropped off 10 bags of laundry this week, and claims her extensive wardrobe is in part a “sentimental” thing.

  1. I ask if she burns incense or has a favorite scent, expecting a Shia-grade answer. She shrugs. “I like Glade Clean Linen or Glade Hawaiian Breeze.”
  2. You can always make art for your giftee. “Sure, I’ll probably keep it.” Again, be as weird as you want here. Even if it’s indecipherable garbage, the spiritual Pisces will at least meditate on it once before hiding it away.
  3. If you want to take her out, she prefers diner food like mac n’ cheese, or “Chick-fil-A, but only on a Sunday when it’s closed, just to be seen there.”
  4. “I love Mrs. Doubtfire.” This is the copout zodiac gift, because no one can really go wrong here.
  5. If you just got paid and can take her on a dream vacation, Dom wants to go to Japan. If that’s too much of a stretch, a trip to Six Flags or Coney Island will work. Bonus points if you can make it Coney Island during the Mermaid Parade.
  6. “A new bike.” You might try this, or combine numbers 3 and 5 by making her a bespoke bike helmet depicting her crush, John Goodman.
  7. Her drink of choice is Tequila, which explains why she wanted no part of my burgundy-colored champagne cocktail.
  8. Dominique is currently reading Idra Novey’s Ways To Disappear, and might like Clarice Lispecter’s The Passion According to G.H. “Or comics.” Try Brian K. Vaughan’s Paper Girls.
  9. Dom has very nice hands, and reciprocally, an appreciation for nice hands and feet, the cardinal Piscean body part. So if you have gnarly callouses, hangnails, or cuticles, work on those, or at least find her an incredible pedicure.

Special thanks to Dominique Boyette for being the coolest person at the Diner, and for pushing my younger sister into a pile of trash. Additional thanks to K-Dog at Walters for Kirs, and the Europa Editions former intern scanner scholarship program.

 

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