American Guild for the Elderly

Satire by Chris Edling

American Guild for the Elderly

“31 percent of Baby Boomers said they would rather leave money to charity than to their children.. The top reason for not wanting to leave an inheritance are the beliefs that each generation should earn its own wealth.” (ABCNews.com)

“Many baby boomers approaching retirement are finding that they haven’t taken sufficient measures to replace their former paychecks with reliable income that lasts the rest of their lives.” (CBSNews.com)
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Hello, and thank you for your interest in the American Guild for the Elderly (A.G.E.)! Here at A.G.E., we help maturing Baby Boomers pass on their prosperity to those who need it most: other Baby Boomers.

WHY A.G.E.?
Let’s face it: we Boomers haven’t had it easy. After burning our draft cards, we burnt ourselves out raising offspring that leeched us dry, skipped town, and would as soon exile us to Siberia as pick up the phone to make sure our Life Alert bracelets haven’t gone on the blink. Now, with final arrangement plans on our minds and over 75 million Boomers looking to retire by 2020, the time has come again for the “Me Generation” to look out for number one.

OUR STORY
When New Hampshire abolished its inheritance tax in 2003, senior citizens throughout the state feared they could no longer rely on the government to keep their hard-earned dollars out of the hands of their sniveling, undeserving children. In the words of one concerned Boomer, “I always said money doesn’t grow on trees, and I’ll be damned to have it flowering on my casket.” Realizing the tax repeal could place thousands of estate dollars in the same limbo as their recently-deceased patrons, a committee of retired Granite Staters obtained provisional 501(c)(3) status and solicited the freed-up funereal funds to establish a seniors-only Mediterranean cooking class in downtown Concord.

WHAT WE DO
A decade (and several hundred cannoli!) later, A.G.E. now manages a nationwide network of Certified Legacy Consultants (CLCs) who advise clients on how to channel their largesse back into fellow Boomers’ bank accounts. CLCs offer a wide selection of choices to suit every client’s portfolio and personality. Health-conscious benefactors, for example, can use their postmortem piggy banks to subsidize everything from rectal exams to Zumba instructors. Music mavens, on the other hand, may utilize A.G.E.’s futures to host a Rolling Stones tribute band at their age-restricted community. Death may be eternal, but so is the joy of knowing you enabled Joan to make out with a Keith Richards impersonator who is young enough to be her grandson.

A.G.E. TESTIMONIALS
−    “When I had a midlife crisis and left the accounting firm to launch my own puggle farm, I knew it would be hard to turn enough profit to save for retirement. But thanks to a generous grant from the A.G.E., my pooches and I will be in kibble for years to come!”

−    “We Boomers have always been teased for our privilege, excess, and self-indulgence; but when I told my son I was signing away his birthright and buying his-and-her mopeds for The Rosenthals, all he did was gripe. Who’s the selfish one now?”

−    “Back at Woodstock, I was all about free love. Now I’m about flat broke, but since A.G.E. helped convert my Vanagon to run on vegetable oil, I can get to Costco without feeling like I’m selling out to The Man.”

−    “They say, ‘You can’t take it with you,’ but thanks to A.G.E., my incompetent sluggard of a daughter-in-law won’t be taking it, either.”

FIND YOUR A.G.E.
A.G.E. operates regional offices in Sun City, AZ (West); Fredericksburg, TX (Central); and Boca Del Mar, FL (East). To find an A.G.E. branch near you, call 1-800-GIVEOLD or visit us online online at www.megeneration4ever.org

A former editor at National Lampoon Press and stand-up comedy producer, Chris Edling is currently an MFA degree candidate in Creative Nonfiction at Columbia University, where he also teaches in the Undergraduate Writing Program.

Featured Image photograph by E.B. Bartels, www.ebbartels.com.

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